Globalisation
Exemplar B: Credit

We are keen to expand the range of exemplars for this unit to reflect the diversity of achievement. If any of your students produce work in response to this unit which you feel would provide a useful exemplar, we would be very grateful if you would be prepared to share it here. We are particularly interested in work just on either side of achieved/not achieved. Please contact the project director.

US 8825 Version 4
Produce transactional written text in complex forms.

Deeper features:
Performance criteria assessing:

    * ideas [1.1]
    * sequencing; examples [1.2]
    * structure; style [1.3]

Develops relevant ideas about lowering fat, sugar and salt content.

Meets pc 1.1.

Overall, an appropriate style and vocabulary is used, although crafting could be improved in some sentences: eg "Therefore, forcing manufacturers to make junk food healthier needs to reduce a number of overweight children."

Meets pc 1.3 [borderline]

Sequences writing.
Includes relevant examples.

Meets pc 1.2.

Essay follows an appropriate paragraphed structure with:

    * An introductory paragraph that states the writer's position on the topic
    * Three paragraphs developing relevant points linked to this position
    * A conclusion re-affirming the writer's position.

Meets pc 1.3.	Should food manufacturers be forced to lower the fat, sugar and salt content in food?

Nowadays there are so many junk foods being sold. Foods with high fat, sugar and salt are especially harmful for young children, but these are still their favourite foods. In addition, eating much of these food causes obesity and premature death. However, it is a long term solution to stop children buying these foods. My opinion is that food manufacturers need to be forced to lower the fat, sugar and salt content in food to prevent dangerous happenings.

First of all, it is found that the most common health problem is children being overweight resulting from taking junk food. Most children in New Zealand eat less than the recommended portions of fruit and vegetables a day. Many children's favourite foods are often processed foods, such as biscuits, chips, pies and take away foods. Unfortunately, most people love to eat sweet food nowadays such as chocolates and lollies. Children cannot stop eating these foods if they once get addicted to high sugar. Sugary drinks such as soft drinks are another common problem in overweight children. They are high in calories and contribute to a weight problem. Therefore, forcing manufacturers to make junk food healthier needs to reduce a number of overweight children.

Secondly, having unhealthy food causes premature deaths. People die too early these days because of poor nutritions, such as McDonalds, Burger King, KFC, as well as a lack of exercise or smoking. The four nutritional risk factors of premature deaths are high cholesterol, high blood pressure, being overweight and insufficient fruit and vegetables. This serious problem is shown by an article in the NZ Herald called 'Push for tax on junk food sales': "Last year there were 11,000 premature deaths from nutrition related problems. High cholesterol took the highest toll at 47,000 avoidable deaths". Actually, it comes from taking unhealthy food that is made by manufacturers. Therefore, they have to be forced to lower the sugar, salt in food that they sell to prevent unfortunate premature deaths.

Eating unhealthy food can kill many careless people. Although there may be a family tendency to becoming overweight, so other factors are also important. Thirdly, reduced high levels of the fat, sugar and salt content in food by manufacturers makes people not buy junk food. The food people eat and the amount they exercise strongly affects their chance of becoming healthy. Healthy eating for children and adults is simply a matter of eating a wide variety of foods. As a result, people have to choose food from the five groups: breads, cereals, vegetables, fruit, dairy products, lean meat and meat alternatives, such as fish, eggs and nuts is a good way when you have meals. Foods that are low in fat and sugar and high fibre are the best choices.

It would be a mistake to put the balance for such problems entirely on taking unhealthy food. The rise of taking junk food has accompanied many problems, as shown by premature deaths, obesity in children and attraction to buy unhealthy food. Therefore, in order to prevent these problems that might occur more seriously, it is recommended that they should learn to form healthy eating habits for life, the earlier, the better. This will help to solve the problem, together with manufacturers being forced to lower the sugar, salt in food.	Surface features:
Performance criterion assessing:
Technical features [1.4]:

    * spelling
    * punctuation
    * grammar

[Pc 1.4 "writing is at publication standard" is identical to achievement level for the conventions criterion of the formal writing achievement standard 90376: "use writing conventions accurately."]
Writing conventions [grammar, punctuation and spelling] are used sufficiently accurately. There are some grammatical errors [syntax and vocabulary selection], but the error pattern is just acceptable. *[see note at end of exemplar]

Meets pc 1.4. [borderline]

* For pc1.4, "writing is at publication standard" means that writing conventions must be used accurately.

Assessment of pc1.4 should not be based on a counting or ranking of errors. Several combinations of reasons may result in a piece not meeting the standard. Some random errors are acceptable. Repeated or significant error patterns in syntax [eg: sentence fragments - where structures are not used intentionally; and 'run on' syntax]; or other patterns of significant error [eg: mixed tense sequences; punctuation or spelling errors] will result in writing that does not meet the standard for this criterion.