You Be The Judge
Exemplar A: Achieved

We are keen to expand the range of exemplars for this unit to reflect the diversity of achievement. If any of your students produce work in response to this unit which you feel would provide a useful exemplar, we would be very grateful if you would be prepared to share it here. We are particularly interested in work just on either side of achieved/not achieved. Please contact the project director.
Achievement Standard 90376 version 2
Produce crafted and developed formal transactional writing.

Deeper features:
Performance criteria assessing:
- ideas
- crafting
- structure.

Ideas are developed and supported:
A number of points made about the film, supported with relevant examples. Meets the standard for the ideas criterion.

Writing is structured:
- an introduction
- paragraphed comments on the storyline; music; costume; cinematography
- a conclusion which sums up the writer's opinion of the film and refers back to aspects of the film dealt with earlier.

Writing is sufficiently crafted:
reasonably clear expression and appropriate language use.
Some variety of syntax and diction, although crafting could be improved in some sentences.
[eg: the loose referent "It" weakens the connection between sentences.]
Eg: "It gives the scene an effect of how difficult it is and makes us wonder if they will survive."
Just meets the standard for the crafting criterion [borderline].	The unforgettable film Rabbit Proof Fence is a sad story based on true events. It is directed by Phillip Noyce and the film genre is drama. The film is set in Australia in the 1930s and focuses on the two cultures of European and Aboriginal. The half caste Aborigine children are taken away from a family in Jigalong and transported to the Moore River native settlement. Two of the children who are taken are Molly [Everlyn Sampi] and Daisy [Tianna Sansbury] who are determined not to stay. They manage to escape and walk 1500 miles to home. They survived and lived to have a film made about them.

The film begins with Molly and her mother who look at a bird. The mother tells Molly that the bird will always look after her wherever she is. Later in the film that is important because the bird always reminds her of home and that she is nearly home. Basically the bird gives her hope. While this is happening, Mr Neville was writing a list of half caste children and Molly and Daisy are on the list. In Mr Neville's idea, the white people are the best. Therefore he teaches that after a few generations children like Molly and Daisy would become white people so forgetting Aborigine culture and reflecting white culture. The two girls and their cousin Gracie are taken away to Moore River school. At school they made to wear uniforms and eat strange food. They want to go home to their mother and run away. The tracker sees the footprints so he follows them, but Molly is very smart and many times she is able to hide the tracks. Finally they arrive back in Jigalong. They had walked and hid for nine weeks and walked a very long way from school to home.

The camera work in the film is clever because of the way it reveals things. In the long shots, they only have the sky and the earth. This is important because the movie is about their trip home in the hot conditions. We see the heat waves because the film uses very high shimmering shots to show how hot it is and make us feel sorry for Molly and Daisy. The director uses high shots to show the girls in the desert because they look vulnerable. There are lots of feet shots and that shows us that they tire. This also makes us know that they are walking a long way.

The music and the sound effects are interesting because they use different styles. At the beginning of the movie, it opens with Aborigine music to emphasise their culture. This music sounded nice because I had not heard this music before, because it is not like my own culture's music. Music is used to explain the character's feelings. When Molly and Daisy escape, the music is fast and shows the audience they are panicking. It seems as if someone is running after you, which gives the scene more impact. In contrast when Molly and Daisy faint in the desert, the music stops. It gives the scene an effect of how difficult it is for them and makes us wonder if they will survive.

The two main characters of the film are young girls and it is amazing how they act. Although they are actors, it is hard to believe that they are not the real girls that the movie is based on. Daisy, who is only eight, is so sweet and innocent. She behaves really well because she does what Molly says. She trusts her sister because she knows that Molly is doing the right thing. The character of Mr Neville is mean, and the actor Kenneth Branagh is a very good actor to become this scary too. Mr Neville has the complete power. He thinks he is doing the right thing, as when he says: "if only they understood what we are trying to do for them." The tracker [David Gulpilil] creeps after the girls like a dark shadow. He is very dark skinned that makes him looks bad.

Throughout the whole film, the main idea is determination. Molly and Daisy are determined to get home. They don't let anything to stop them and nearly get caught but keep going and reach home. What really made this film for me is how the characters act in the film and the music and cinematography. I liked how the film was based on a true story and it was so sad I almost cried. Finally, Rabbit Proof Fence is an impressive and successful film.	Surface features:
Performance criterion assessing conventions:
- spelling
- punctuation
- grammar

NB: achievement level for the conventions criterion of the formal writing achievement standard 90376: "use writing conventions accurately" is identical to Pc 1.4 of unit standard 8825 Produce transactional written text in complex forms: "writing is at publication standard."
Writing conventions [grammar, punctuation and spelling] are used sufficiently accurately. There are some grammatical errors [syntax and vocabulary selection], but the error pattern is just acceptable. *[see note at end of exemplar]

Just meets the standard for the conventions criterion [borderline].

* Writing conventions must be used accurately.

Assessment of this criterion should not be based on a counting or ranking of errors. Several combinations of reasons may result in a piece not meeting the standard. Some random errors are acceptable. Repeated or significant error patterns in syntax [eg: sentence fragments - where structures are not used intentionally; and 'run on' syntax]; or other patterns of significant error [eg: mixed tense sequences; punctuation or spelling errors] will result in writing that does not meet the standard for this criterion.