Survival of the Fittest

Transactional Writing Exemplars
  In general, the class found this activity a difficult one to complete. Their difficulties appeared to centre round the structuring and linking of paragraphs within the basic essay format of introduction, body and conclusion. I suspect that exposure to associated terminology and analysis was daunting to them. As a class, we brainstormed an essay format. Despite taking them step-by-step through the essay writing process, their resulting essays could be classified into two distinct groupings - those that made an attempt to follow the format and those that ignored it, preferring their own format.   Completion of all aspects of the activity was a casualty in most essays.  It was difficult to identify and assess essays at a specific level: most exhibited 'hybrid' features.  

Transactional Writing Level 3

Unsung Achievers

You've seen it in the paper and on the six o'clock news. Yes its the amazing survival story of Brian Robeson.   Brian (13) was flying to his Dads house on a cessna plane when the pilot Jake Thornton had a heart attack.   Brian then had to crash-land the plane into lake Silston, 150 km from the nearest town, and in the middle of the harsh Canadian wilderness. After the successful crash-landing Brian tried to help the pilot but he died before impact. (see PG 22)   Brian Robeson survived for 54 days living off fish, birds, rabbits and berries which he cooked over a fire started with his hatchet by hitting it against a rock.   In my opinion I think Brian should be in the survivors hall of fame because he did what most ordinary people couldn't do and survived for 54 days in the harsh Canadian wilderness with only a hatchet and survival skills he picked up on the way. Brian was able to adapt from city to the wilderness very well because he knew many survival skills which he could use to survive in a cold climate.   Brian Robeson was such an excellent survivor he compares very similar to the Archetypal survivor Ernest Shackleton. This is because they both managed to survive for a long period of time in a harsh wilderness with little food and tools.   Brian Robeson should be in the Survivors Hall of Fame because: - He is a survivor  - He got put into a life threatening situation and survived  - Re used all his abilities to survive  - Brian had to risk his life to survive  - No matter what happened to Brian he never gave up hope of being rescued.  - His survival strategies compare to famous archetypal survivors.   These are just some of the hundreds of reasons Why Brian should be in the Survivors hall of fame. This is why thirteen year old Brian Robeson CAN and SHOULD be in the Survivors Hall of Fame.	

 Commentary: This student's format reflects his idiosyncratic writing and presentation style. Best fit is Level 3 from the Key Indicators.   He has 

·	attempted the response format but has not fully developed his conclusion 
·	provided an attempt at a reasoned personal viewpoint 
·	used paragraphing, although he has listed rather than argued points in the body of his essay 
·	referred to the text of the novel with a page number 
·	drawn a comparison with another survivor Ernest Shackleton, rather than that of the Archetypal Survivor profile developed in class 
·	attempted a 'mass media' reporting rather than a formal writing style 
·	overlooked errors of punctuation 
  A follow up should include 

·	further practice in paragraph writing, especially regarding incorporating reasoning and supporting evidence 
·	writing conclusions 
·	logical ordering of ideas 
·	ongoing proofreading practice and correction of his work 
  See the assessment schedule (see assessment.rtf).   
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Transactional Writing Level 4

Introduction   Brain is a very young brave 14-year-old boy who survived 2 months in the Canadian wilderness. Without any food or tools (apart from a hatchet any the useless contents of his pockets.) He managed to build a shelter and learnt how to hunt with tools he made with his hatchet. He ended up in this situation after his pilot suffered a heart attack and he was forced to take control of the plane. He some how managed to crash land in a lake. He should be in the hall of fame because he survived above all the odds and did some amazing things to keep himself alive.   Body   Most people would have given up and died in the Canadian wilderness. But brain adapted from having everything right in front of him to having nothing but a hatchet and the contents of his pockets. Brain used his hatchet to build a shelter then a food shelf. He also made a spear (for hunting), a fire, a bow and a couple arrows (for hunting fish and small animals) and a raft so he could get to the plane to retrieve the survival kit. He made all this with a hatchet and the contents of his pockets.   Body 2   The average survivor and Brian have alot in common, they both have quick wits and use logical thinking. Those to things are the basic requirements of any survivor, the only reason that Brian is a better survivor than your average survivor is that he is younger than them and has had less experience in the kind of things you need to do to survive. Brian would be equal or better to any of the well known like Robinson Cruso because Brian started with fewer possessions and made a lot with them.   Conclusion   In the same situation would you have been able to kept on going and not given up. If you could you are a truly remarkable person like Brian. He became one with the wilderness. But still had the advantage over the other animals because he used his brain. He survived against all the odds and came home with hardly a scratch. His achievements certainly deserve to be recognised, don't you think so?	
  Commentary: He chose to follow the format, even to the point of sub-heading his paragraphs!  His essay reflects features of both Level 3 and Level 4 Key Indicators.  He did not make three comparative examples with the Archetypal Survivor, as requested at Level 4, but did allude to an 'average survivor'and the fictitious character, Robinson Crusoe.   From Level 4, he has 

·	attempted to expand ideas outlined in his introduction in the body of his essay 
·	followed the format 
·	used supporting evidence from the novel, albeit sparingly 
·	used formal language, except for his final sentence and expressions such as 'your average survivor'
·	sense is correct, if not his spelling (he confuses Brian and brain)
  For these reasons, the best fit is Level 4.   A follow up should include 

·	incorporating supporting evidence within a paragraph 
·	practice in paragraph linking 
·	further examination of formal language 
·	proofreading practice to identify spelling errors 
  See the assessment schedule (see assessment.rtf).   
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Transactional Writing Level 5

Survivors Hall of Fame

Imagine being in a plane when the pilot has a heart attack, leaving you to try and fly the plane and land it safely. But instead you crash into a lake and have to swim, cold and wet, to the shore where alone and hungry, you wonder how long it will be until you are rescued. You do not know that for the next couple of months you have to struggle to survive, hunting for food, building shelters and tools and dealing with hostilities, and learning all about the wilderness and its life. Brian Robeson, a 13 year old boy, survived all this and more.   But Brian had to do this with virtually no skills and no equipment. Coming from the city of New York he had barely any survival skills, only what he had seen on TV and teachings of a teacher called Perpich. His only equipment was a Hatchet and the clothes he wore.   Brian adapted quickly to his wild surroundings. He taught himself to hunt for food, and learnt the ways of the wilderness. He built a shelter to shield himself from the weather, and rebuilt it after the first was blown away by a tornado. Considering his age, these are amazing achievements from a teenager that was bought up in a big city.   Compared to the average survivor, Brian is both very young and was unprepared for the ordeal he had to survive. It is for this reason that we at Unsung Achievers wish to include Brian in the "Survivors Hall Of Fame" where he will be honoured as a true survivor along with the many other survivors from all over the world.   Therefore, I believe that Brian should be acknowledged as the true survivor that he is in the "Survivors Hall Of Fame". In the Hall Of Fame, Brian shall stand along side other great survivors that all lived through such difficult situations as plane crashes and ship wrecks, and people who see the Hall Of Fame will see Brians name and know the ordeal that he had to go through to be in that Hall Of Fame and be amazed at the length of time Brian lived alone, in the Canadian wilderness, with nothing but a hatchet to survive.	
 Commentary: This student's essay could be assessed as a best fit Level 5, although a further conferencing session (lack of time!) could have been beneficial in fully addressing the Level 5 Key Indicators.   He has 

·	followed the format 
·	used the third person to introduce the subject of the article, Brian, rather than argue his viewpoint 
·	varied the point of view 
·	written an introduction which leads effortlessly into the body 
·	linked written paragraphs logically 
·	proofread with almost 100% accuracy 
 But:

·	he has not detailed his comparative examples with the Archetypal Survivor, only hinted. 
·	he needs further practice in writing linking sentences 
  See the assessment schedule (see assessment.rtf).   
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© Ministry of Education, Wellington, New Zealand (First published 1998)